btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Randomize
