No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Randomize
