I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
