id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize
