so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
