Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Just invented taco cereal.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
