my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
