all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Randomize
