i just sent this text using only my big toe
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
