the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
