I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Randomize
