i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
Randomize
