im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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