Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
