why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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