And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Randomize
