Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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