so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
