its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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