either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
