We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I'm getting married
To pizza
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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