If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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