He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Text me some of your sweat
Randomize
