I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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