I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
ugly people sure do ruin things
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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