I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
