so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
