ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
