I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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