woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
