Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
