There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
