Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
we're so committed to being not committed
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