the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
now i know why i became what i already was.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
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