Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
