I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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