do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
