I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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