Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
