I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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