You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
