Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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