Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
