I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
