This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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