God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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