i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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