I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
