I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Randomize
