Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
