I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
