You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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